Ebola Patient Halloween

Doctor: Good news, Brad! You don't have Ebola anymore!

Brad: That's amazing! Can I leave? I want to see my girlfriend, my family, my dog!

Doctor: ... you have E-BOOOOOO-la! Happy Halloween!

Brad: Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

Doctor: Nope. In fact your quaran-scream just got extended another 21 days. But don't worry, the cafeteria has Macabre & Cheese all week!

Guy with a Hole in His Head and his Friend

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: A fucking parking ticket? Jesus - I need that like a need a hole in the head.

Guy with a Hole in his Head: Dude!

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: Sorry, sorry! Forgot. I mean, ya know, I need that like I need, uh, Parkinson's Disease.

Guy with a Hole in his Head: Come on man, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's last week. We talked about this.

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: Ah, sorry sorry. Probably why it was on my mind... to be fair.

Lost Doonesbury from 2k4

Paul Wolfowitz: Mr. President, I'm concerned about elements from the Ba'ath Party in Southern Iraq.

GWBush: Bath party? We had one of those at DEKE! Oh man those Quinnpiac girls got wet n' wild with us. Why wasn't I invited to this bath party? Is it 'cause I don't drink anymore? I'll have O'Doul's.

Rep. Fred Upton's reaction to the Kate Upton nude photo hack

Rep. Fred Upton (to reporters): This is OUTRAGEOUS! That my niece would have her privacy VIOLATED like this?! I'll find the monsters who did this and bring them to justice.

[later, when no one else is in the office]

[pulls up the Upton pix]

Rep. Fred Upton (to himself, dick in his hands): Look at the jugs on that girl. If it's wrong to want to bone your niece, I don't wanna be riiiiight!

Guy whose shit literally doesn't stink

"It's true, my shit doesn't stink - but I'm still a deeply flawed individual! I'm an inadequate husband and employee! Many people whose shit smells horrible are better than I am!"

Guy who buys plane tickets just to go to the airport sushi bar

Announcer: Final boarding call for flight 273 to Los Angeles... the gate has closed for flight 273, there will be no more boarding.

Guy At Sushi Bar (jokingly): Whoops, looks like I missed my flight! Again. Oh noooo.

[Guy At Sushi Bar and Sushi Chef share a laugh]

Guy At Sushi Bar: Another three yellowtails, my friend.

Sushi Chef: Wait - Los Angeles? Why don't you just get a ticket to Boston, it's 300 dollars cheaper.

Guy at Sushi Bar (no longer laughing, dead serious): Goddamnit.

Charles Schwab and His Grandson Go To Lunch

[A cute HOSTESS is at a maitre d' stand in front]

Charles Schwab (nudging Grandson like "watch this"): Reservation for 2 for Schwab. Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Alright Mr. Schwab, your table is ready!

Charles Schwab: Ahem. I'm not sure you heard me correctly: Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Uh... yes (checks reservation book) Mr. Schwab. Your table's ready. Right by the window over here.

Charles Schwab: No I'm the Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Riiight. I got that. Enjoy your meal, Mr. Schwab.

[Exit Hostess. Charles Schwab and his Grandson are seated]

Grandson: Why do you have to do that everywhere we go?

Charles Schwab (stewing): That strumpet! I'm the reason she doesn't pay ATM fees - but does she care? No. That's it - I'm shutting down her account. I'm Charles Schwab dammit! CHARLES SCHWAB!

[beat. Grandson looks at Charles Schwab, thinks he's done with his rant]

Grandson: Grandpa, Mom had this thing looked at on her arm, they said it could be cancerou--

Charles Schwab: -- maybe they don't know I'm a real person! They think "Charles Schwab" is some made-up guy like Mister Clean. Gotta talk to marketing about getting my face out there more. First thing Monday.

Bros at the Statue of Liberty

Bro #1: Dude, what's the big deal with her. She's like a 2.

Bro #2: Come on bro, she like brought liberty to all these people and shit.

Bro #1: Fine, mayyybe I'll give her a 3. Definitely not a 4. What a dog. They should re-make that shit as Kate Upton.

Old-School Dick Pic Guy

You kids, you have it easy. With your iPhones and your SnapChat, sending out a dick pic is as easy as hitting a button. 

But back in my heyday, you know what it took to send a dick pic? First you had to take the picture with a little device we used to call a CAMERA. Then you had to get in your car and drive to the one-hour photo place. And you had to wait one hour while some pimply-faced shit processed the photo of your dong. THEN, you had to get back in your car and drive to the house of the woman you were interested in, and hand it to her. Or if GOD FORBID she wasn't home, you had to write your name on the back of it and slip it under her door. But what if you didn't have a pen? THEN you know what you had to do? You had to knock on some old lady neighbor's door to ask to BORROW a pen to label your weiner. The process might take up your entire day.

We had to crawl so you could run. So yeah, think about that next time you're firing off a DP to some rando. And let's not forget my great-grandfather, who had to pay a hundred dollars (in 1880!), stand still for half an hour, wait days for the photo to be developed, and then ride a horse 50 miles to deliver HIS dick pics.

Dan's True Stories: L.A. Edition

I recently spent some time in Los Angeles, meeting with people to try to further my writing career. But those meetings were every other day and took an hour tops. So I had a shit-ton of free time. Too much free time. And not enough people to spend it with. I got very lonely. Comically lonely. The worst of it was one Saturday afternoon when my friend who I was staying with was working all day:

I'm stewing in the apartment alone when I see on Instagram that a guy who went to my school only for senior year - an Alpha-male star basketball player who I barely knew - is having a sale of his swimsuit line in Orange County, a 1.5 hr drive in weekend traffic. Fuck it, anything for a little human contact!

I hop in the car, drive through horrific traffic in stifling heat for 90 mins. Park, almost decide to call it off because I'm too beta and this plan is too weird. Finally approach the Alpha Guy, say "Dan Berger - from Dalton!" He has a look of "I don't remember this guy at all," but says "Riiiight! Crazy seeing you here, Dan."
I tell him, "Well I was driving to visit my buddy in Laguna Beach and I'm at a traffic light checking Instagram, and boom I see you're having a sale 15 minutes from there! So I figured I'd stop by."

"Awesome, man!" Alpha Guy says. We chat for a bit, I'm happy to just talk to someone I've met before, it's going well. Then he asks, "So which swimsuit do you want?"

Oh right, the socially accepted meme here is to buy one of the guy's swimsuits since I'm at his sale. I look at the swimsuits - they're $168 each! But now that I'm here and he's so alpha and I traveled all this way i'm like fuck I have to buy one. So I pick a paisley swimsuit that I really like.

"Ooooh we're out of that one in your size, buddy. And lemme check... Yeah out of it even on the website. What else do you like?"

Now I'm looking at second choice swimsuits, I find a plaid one i kind of like. "Ooh out of that one in your size too. Lemme check though... We have it online. You interested?"

I'm put to a decision: pay $168 for a swimsuit I don't really want that will have to be sent to me in New York (where I won't be for several weeks), or seem beta to this guy I barely know... and of course i whip out the credit card.

"Hey Dan since you're an old high school pal, I'll give you the friends and family discount" Alpha Guy says. Finally I'm catching a break, I think. He types something in and then asks for my card. He swipes it. I look at the receipt: it was $168. He had messed up typing in the code!

So I pointed this out to him, right? NO! I say "Dude, I gotta bounce - my buddy in Laguna Beach just texted me. But so good seeing you - can't wait to get back to New York for that swimsuit!"

BetaBro vs. AlphaBro on Halloween

Cute Girl: And who are you?

BetaBro: I'm Heisenberg! 

[No response]

BetaBro: From Breaking Bad. I even have the broken nose from when Walter intentionally got into a car accident in the hopes of stopping Hank's investigation!

Cute Girl: Never seen it.

[Enter AlphaBro]

AlphaBro: I'm kind of a dick!

Cute Girl: Hahaha, that's so funny! Isn't that funny?

BetaBro: Yeah, yeah... hilarious.