Opthamology 101

Badass Opthamology Student: I'm gonna say "Which one do you like?"

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Listen kid, everyone says "Better 1 or Better 2?" That's how it is, that's how it'll always be.

Badass Opthamology Student: Well I ain't everyone.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Jesus, every year there's one guy who thinks he's gonna reinvent the wheel. You think people come to Opthamologists to get their eyes examined? Any half-wit could do that. They come to be asked "Better 1 or Better 2?" It gives them order in their otherwise chaotic modern lives. It comforts them. It narrows this incomprehensible world down just two choices. This... or that? Not Half-Fat this and Part-Skim that and No-Soy No-Gluten the other thing.

[A single tear falls down Badass Opthamology Student's cheek]

Badass Opthamology Student: That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Alright, alright, let's turn off the waterworks. You still need a lot of practice to get your "I'm gonna shoot a puff of air in your eye, but don't move" up to snuff. Back to work!

FBI's 10 Least Wanted Terrorists

10. Ismail Al-Harbi

Al-Qaeda Munitions Specialist

Intelligence sources indicate that numerous members of al-Qaeda have been sitting alone at a two-person table in the al-Qaeda cafeteria, deeply contemplating the Koran they are reading, when Al-Harbi has sat down across from them with his overflowing tray of food. Al-Harbi is then believed to ask, “Hey what chapter are you reading?” When the other al-Qaeda member reluctantly tells al-Harbi the Koran chapter he's reading, al-Harbi is suspected of replying, “Cool, Cool. One of my faves.” A brief silence is believed to follow, until al-Harbi blurts out, “So what're you eating?”

9. Sadiq Salehi

Chef for Anwar Al-Awlaki

Salehi is painfully shy around women, but if a woman so much as seems to be looking in his general direction on the bus, he is known to post a Missed Connection on Craigslist Sanaa seeking her out and proclaiming, “We had a moment!”

8. Yusef Farooq

Al-Qaeda Counterfeit Identification Specialist

Intelligence sources have confirmed that Farooq has been threatening to build “a better social networking site than Facebook” for more than five years. Farooq has been witnessed at numerous social gatherings declaring, “My site will only have people in your real social circle.” It is believed that Farooq does not know any programming languages and has not taken a single step toward creating the new site, but that his excitement about the project remains unwavering.

7. Hussein Zubairi

Driver for Ayman Al-Zawahiri

Zubairi is known to have severe halitosis, but intelligence sources indicate he is “a very fragile guy,” so it is believed that no one in the al-Qaeda organization has the heart to tell him. Instead, Zubairi is studiously avoided, especially in the morning.

6. Ahmed Jafari

Hezbollah Explosives Expert

Jafari lives in the back of his mother's small shack in the hills of Jalalabad. He is believed to be sulking in his room. Whenever his mother's new boyfriend, who intelligence sources indicate is “a good guy,” suggests to Jafari that he “should get some fresh air,” Jafari is suspected of screaming “You're not my real Dad!” and slamming the door in his face.

5. Ali Marwan

Palestinian Islamic Jihad Webmaster

Marwan is known to ask fellow members of Palestinian Islamic Jihad interminable hypothetical questions. “If you had to die, would you rather be buried alive... or drown?” is believed to be followed by, “If you were the last three humans on Earth, would you rather sleep with your mother... or your sister?” At this point, the other members are believed to tell Marwan to “shut the f*** up.” But after a brief pause, Marwan is suspected of exclaiming, “OK, OK – last one, I promise. Same setup as before but it's your mother when she was your sister's age!”

4. Muhammed Khan

Al-Qaeda Information Technology Specialist

Khan is known to insist that the Game of Thrones books are “a million times better” than the television show, and to disdain anyone who's only watched the show. It is believed that he also frequently exasperatedly explains, “The series is called A Song of Ice and Fire - Game of Thrones is just the first book!”

3. Ramzi Khalid

Hamas Intelligence Officer

Intelligence sources have confirmed that Khalid owns a pet iguana named Ibn Khaldun. When fellow Hamas members visit Khalid's apartment, intelligence indicates that Khalid takes the iguana out of its tank and tells it, “Ibn, say hi to my friend.” Then it is believed that the other Hamas member politely says, “Dude could you just keep the iguana in the tank.” At which point the iguana tries to bite the Hamas member or whips its tail at him vigorously, causing him to exclaim, “Dude, seriously, put this f***ing thing away or I'm leaving.” Khalid is suspected of replying, “Alright, alright. Yeesh,” and then putting the iguana back in its tank and whispering to it, “It's OK Ibn, he just doesn't get you.”

2. Yasser Ibrahim

Muslim Brotherhood Courier

Ibrahim fronts a band called Koran Koran, which plays Duran Duran tunes with Islam-themed lyrics. Ibrahim is known to send Koran Koran Facebook messages to all his distant acquaintances, and then guilt trip them at parties if they didn't attend his most recent show.

1. Hamid Al-Sayyab

Al-Qaeda in Iraq Communications Officer

Al-Sayyab is known to have moderate skin irritation problems. He is believed to frequently corner fellow al-Qaeda in Iraq members at parties and explain, “It's actually not eczema, though it's in the eczema family of conditions. Of course my rash is so rare I have to use the topical cream prescribed for eczema, so it's not that effective, but they're working on a...” at which point the other al-Qaeda in Iraq members are believed to conveniently find they have to use the restroom or get another glass of water.

AIM Chat Between Pluto and Neptune

PlutoNash: yooo what up Nep?

Neptune8: oh hey - nothin' much

PlutoNash: so i was just IM-flirting with Venus, and she said the Sun was having some sort of NBA playoffs watching party on Sunday?

Neptune8: yeah since the Suns didn't make it, he's kind of obsessed with the Heat so he's having some people over to his condo to watch the game and bbq on the terrace

PlutoNash: did he send u an invite email?

Neptune8: uh yeah

PlutoNash: hmm... didn't get it

Neptune8: you probably just didn't realize it was from him - he sent a PaperlessPost

PlutoNash: OK ill search my inbox for 'PaperlessPost' one sec

Neptune8: k

PlutoNash: nope - no results

Neptune8: try "It's Gettin' Hot in Herre" - that's the name of the party

PlutoNash: word ill try that

PlutoNash: nope - nothing. did that motherfucker not invite me?!??!

Neptune8: it would appear so. I guess it's kind of a "planets-only" type of vibe

PlutoNash: but i've been boys with u guys for years - i was one of the groomsmen at the Sun's wedding for godsakes! but now that I'm not a planet anymore i'm just another schlub?

Neptune8: look man i don't think this is a personal thing, it's just the Sun can't invite all the Dwarf Planets over, cause then the Asteroids will want to come too, and the Meteoroids, and it gets out of control. His condo's living room isn't even that big

PlutoNash: oh come on, he's got the couch that seats at least 3, maybe 4 if everyone's thin. and the loveseat that's another 3. then the La-Z-Boy and the 2 chairs in the corner. plus the folding chairs on the terrace!

Neptune8: he hates to use the folding chairs indoors - they scratch up the floor

PlutoNash: well then what if i just sit on the floor?

Neptune8: kind of blocks people's view

PlutoNash: ok ok i'll stand

Neptune8: then everyone feels like you're hovering

PlutoNash: how about i stand in the doorway of the Sun's bedroom and watch from there?

Neptune8: that's just weird

PlutoNash: so that's it. I've finally officially been excommunicated from the planet social scene. Saturn's birthday in January - which FUCKING SUCKED btw, terrible overpriced bar! - was my last hurrah

Neptune8: no dude, you know how the Sun is - he's all about his parties only having "bodacious bitches and ballin' bros" - he's always excluding people

PlutoNash: so i guess i'm not a ballin' bro, huh???

Neptune8: look, forget about it - Natasha and I are having a Little League World Series Luau in our backyard in August. u should come it's gonna be fun - some of the other planets r gonna be there, we got tiki torches...

PlutoNash: great, i can't go to the Sun's exclusive NBA Playoffs party at his luxury condo, but it's fine because i'm totes welcome at the Little League Luau in your weed-ridden backyard. woohoo!

Neptune8: jesus dude, i try to do you a solid and this is what i get in return?! the Sun is right - you are a bitter loser!

PlutoNash: did he fucking call me that????

Neptune8: in so many words

PlutoNash: whatever, u know what, it's fine. i'm sorry i insulted your luau. it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. When is it?

Neptune8: August 18th. would be cool if u brought some pineapple juice as a mixer

PlutoNash: sure thing - are you gonna send out an official invitation via PaperlessPost?

Neptune8: u know it

PlutoNash: cool. alright man well i'll see u then. have fun at the Sun's party - put in a good word for me with Venus ;)

Neptune8: will do. peace

PlutoNash: l8r